REOCURRENCE:
This would definitely be my biggest concern and the fear of going through all that my body has already endured again is unimaginable.
From the moment I was diagnosed with (DCIS) Invasive Ductal Carcinoma In Situ in 2017, I have at many times found myself wondering if there was a chance this intruder could re-present itself.
When I met with my incredible breast surgeon Dr Ash at Guy’s Hospital to discuss the surgeries ahead of me, one of the first questions I asked was if I would be having a double mastectomy and reconstruction, to be sure of no reocurrence.
Towards the end of chemotherapy which was also when the side effects were seriously kicking my butt, the thoughts “could I go through this again” often plagued my mind. I wasn’t sure my body would survive such brutality a second time.
Just before the end of chemo, I started taking the first of eighteen Herceptin injections on alternate thighs. I again asked myself the “what if?” question.
When my implant became hard and extremely painful after radiotherapy I had to have a separate operation to take out the scar tissues and implant replacement, the same question plagued my thoughts.
After having the first of two lipomodelling, I was unable to walk, turn during sleep, sit or dress without discomfort. When I saw the scars left on my body the “what if?” crossed my mind and at that point, I wasn’t sure what to feel or how tired I was of everything.
After the final augmentation of the left breast once the pain meds wore off, the pain inside the breast an area that cannot be reached heightened. Even now those phantom pains still exist. That dreaded “what if?” still comes to play.
While the thought of RE-OCURRENCE and FEAR plagues my being often, I decided early on that every time these thoughts occurred, I would use it to my advantage, use it as my reminder, my kick in the butt that I have no time to waste dealing with situations that will not bring any meaning to my being, that I needed to work diligently on my to-do list of things to achieve. I needed to be kinder to myself, tell people in my life I love them, think of the family I want to cultivate, the man that I want to love fiercely, passionately and fearlessly, bring my projects to fruition. There’s also the countries I’ve yet to explore, the food I’ve yet to taste, the flavours of wine I’ve yet to savour and so much, much more…
The fear of reoccurrence must not build a home in my life, so I target it like the tumour it is, by killing its first growth of thought before it gets a chance to metastasise.